Friendship: A Great Service!
I have really struggled in my ward. I've lived here for over a year and just don't feel like I fit in. Sure there have been some amazing acts of service done for my family and me, but what I really need is a friend. I live in a very cliquish ward and I just don't fit into any of the cliques. One area of the ward is pretty established. People have known each other forever. The other part is a new housing development with ritzier houses and Barbie-doll type women. Here I am in my old rental house living in some weird in between state of married and not. Yes I'm married, but my husband doesn't live with me. I work, volunteer at my kids' school and just try to keep it all together. I'm like the ghetto single mom in a lot of people's eyes. It's been really hard. Here in Utah, and I say Utah because it's been this way in every area of Utah I've lived, the ward boundary walls are high. If boundaries change or if someone moves, even a block out of the boundary lines, friendships fade. It's really sad, but very true. I don't think people mean to shun someone once they are "out of the ward" but it happens.
I'm really having a hard time. I lived in my old ward for 4 1/2 years. I had great friends, but once I moved things changed. Fast forward to today and you see me lonely and longing for the closeness a ward family can provide. I often attend all three meetings alone. My kids spend a lot of weekends with their dad and my hubby isn't in town much. It's really hard to go to church all alone. I was almost in tears today in relief society. During Sunday school a girl sat by me (one of the only open chairs) but right after Sunday school she zipped over to the other side of the room to sit by someone else. I'm friendly. I smile and say hi to people. I ask them how they are. I'm a really nice person. Other than a couple of fantastic older woman that have been very sweet to me, I must have a big "Do Not Sit By Me" sign on my head. There are a few that smile and say hi when they pass me on their way to sit with their friends, but most don't even look my way. I once had someone invite me to a "girls night out" that some of the women in the new subdivision hold once a month. She told me to talk to the girl that set it up to get the details. When I asked her about it she said, "oh this is just something for some of us friends, not really a ward thing." Basically a "you aren't invited".
Every couple of weeks I'll just decide enough is enough and I'll come in late to relief society just so I can sit by someone. They don't usually talk to me much other than the courtesy hi, how are ya. I had someone mention to me today that they don't even bother to get to know people in the ward. They just figure the ward is getting so big it will split soon so why bother wasting your time with people that won't soon be in the ward. This really bothers me.
I'm so lonely in the ward, I sometimes feel like there is no point to me staying for Sunday school or relief society. But I know I will continue to go because I know it is right. Today in Sunday school we read the quote by Joseph Smith, "If I had not actually got into this work and been called of God, I would back out. But I cannot back out; I have no doubt of the truth." I have no doubt that I need to be in relief society. I have no doubt of the truthfulness of the gospel.
I plead with all of you sisters... if you see someone sitting alone at church, please invite them to sit with you. Please include them in your conversations. If you know of a single mom, whether through divorce, death of a spouse or even a military wife, please reach out to them. They have so much to carry on their shoulders, a kind word, a girls night out even just someone to sit with in relief society will go a long way to help them.
I recently started a girls night out group. I invited only women that I felt were like me. Someone who really needs a friend. Two of these women are from my ward, two I know from work and one I met through blogging. I want to break through the big, tall ward boundary walls and create real lasting friendships. I love all of you blogland sisters and I know none of you would walk past me in relief society ;)
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13 comments:
Angie, what a terrible situation to be in! Honestly, I just have so much admiration for you that you keep going and keep that testimony strong. Ugh, what a bunch of rude women!
I wish I could go to Relief Society with you! But you have inspired me to set up a GNO with some of the other sisters I see at church that may need a friend. I sit by myself at church too, and I will do better at watching for other women on their own.
Thank you for such an honest and open post. I would totally sit by you!
islandgirl says
WOW, just WOW! On that lady who was so into herself that she didn't think to invite anyone else to their GNO. As one of the excluded from our wards GNO I've learned to just live with it. What a great idea for you to start your own GNO with others, not just those in your neighborhood. That's sure to take the sting out of things.
Tara says
When you're having a hard day just remember....the Gospel is perfect, not the people. You cling to the Gospel and Savior and you WILL make it. I too have been in your shoes and it's VERY, VERY hard! I'm not sure I even understand WHY it happens, but that quote from Joseph Smith is so true. You must be a very strong and amazing woman that the Lord knows he can count on. Keep the faith...you'll make it! ♥
Kemi says
Your post makes me so sad. :(
For a minute, I wondered if you might live in my former ward, where if you didn't own a house, or your husband wasn't part of the bishopric, you weren't worthy of knowing. (Even the bishop didn't know our names, and I was in the YW Presidency!)
Anyway, I can totally relate to your story, and I'm so sorry for the way your ward has treated you. It's a good reminder for everyone else to open their circles and include more sisters.
I admire your strength and determination. If I were in your shoes, I'm afraid I would have faded into inactivity.
Valerie says
That is very sad and very, very different from what the Lord expecgs of us! When I was reading it, I was wishing you were in my ward so we could sit together. We have a sister whose husband is in the military and she is surrounded with love. There are single moms who I think are welcomed and included. I hope that your group works and you can have a great support system of true friends, besides all of us here!
chococatania says
This is an unfortunate truth about many wards. I've definitely experienced in my life. One thing I figured out was that I wasn't going to wait for anyone, I was just going to get involved.
I found that the best ways to get to know the people in the ward is to just act like you've been there forever.
1. Talk to your RS President to see what you can do for compassionate service for others.
2. Make comments in RS and Sunday School.
3. Just butt in. Make a joke. Be friendly.
It is hard, but I think that there are times when people don't realize how ignorant they're being of others in the ward. And, unfortunately, it's true that many stigmatize others - or think, "Well, they live in an apartment...Why get to know them when they'll just be gone in a few months?" That isn't the right attitude nor is it justifiable.
I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. I hope that you will start to find happiness in your ward and in your other friends. I also know that your willingness to continue and persevere this hardship will turn out to be a great blessing to you and your family.
Catania
Becoming LDS says
The thoughts in your post have been on my mind a lot lately, especially as I was given the calling as Compassionate Service Leader.
I feel like the spirit has started to guide me and my eyes have been opened to recognize when someone needs a friend or when someone is having a rough day. Now I am in no way perfect at this but I try and I think that if everyone kept there eyes open we all could make someone feel a little better.
I moved into my ward about 7 months ago and it seemed like no one really tried to reach out. If I sat by myself in R.S. I was by myself in R.S. So I decided to make it a point to try to sit by someone who looked like they needed it or just someone I didn't know very well. Quickly I found that I felt more welcome.
Still if I am sitting by myself more often then not no one will make there way over to me so I just get up from my original seat from Sunday School and mosie on over and sit next to Sister So-and-So. It makes them feel better and me feel better.
It looks like you are on the right track. I love that you set up your own girls night. Next week try and sit by someone else in Relief Society...maybe there is sister feeling just the same way as you.
Dana says
Goodness that was my former ward. I was you. I don't have the answer, we moved before I came up with a solution. All I can say is hang in there. Heavenly Father can see how wonderful you are even if everyone else has blinders on. Perhaps try speaking up in class more so they can see who you really are. I hope it gets better for you. Women can be so nasty to each other sometimes :(
Andrea says
I am so familiar with this situation. My current ward is much better, but for years I attended wards that were just like this. I didn't have the courage to set up my own girls' night out, though. Good for you. :)
Valorie says
I am in that same situation right now. Funny thing is we lived here years ago and I hated it. Not the ward but the community that rejected you if you weren't born and raised here. The only way I survived then was through the love of the sisters in the ward. That ward is now three wards and we prayed about where we should live when we moved in. We know we are supposed to be in this ward but I too feel very lonely sometimes.
About the apt issue. We had an opportunity to house a small family when we lived in married student housing and they told us they didn't have anyone to stay with us no problem...at the last minute a small family with two little girls needed a place to stay and the EQ pres called and asked if they could stay with us. Awesome! we were ecstatic. We later found out that his wife was very angry at him because we lived in such a small apt we couln't possibly put someone up. (She was the RS pres). That couple became some of our dearest friends. It was a wonderful weekend and the rest of the time we lived there they stayed with us over stake conf. weekend. Hang in there the Lord must have something awesome in store for you. Hugs
Jill says
Your story rings true to me as I moved from my college singles ward to Southern Utah.
The first ward I was in was a family ward. I was already dating someone in the area and knew that we would marry, so I didn't even attempt to find a singles ward.
NO ONE spoke to me in the ward--except for the Bishop who only talked to me during our interviews to get my recommends for getting married (of course, that was at the end of the 6 months I was in the ward).
As a convert and a return missionary, I was appalled. But, nevertheless, I carried on.
I felt like a leper because I was young and single-- and I had the nerve to attend this family ward.
Hiss, hiss.
After I got married, the new ward we attended in another town started off the same way.
There were a group of women that I thought were exclusive; however, I became one of their son's scout leader. We quickly became friends and I learned that all my pre-conceived notions of these women were COMPLETELY wrong. They are now the only TWO friends I have down here (outside my husband's family). I don't need more than them because they are the truest friends anyone could ever wish for.
All my other girlfriends are scattered across the US-- so it has been so lonely for me here. You need a girlfriend to talk to.
So, my thoughts are to keep being true to yourself and you will find the true friends that will fill your life with real happiness.
I did have someone try to be my "friend" who did nothing but gossip about everyone and anyone. After I told her that's not how true friends are and said see ya later-- that I realized, some adults need to be "reminded" that their actions are childish and unacceptable. Like the lady who clearly didn't want you going to a GNO. I would say, I'm better off without you and the drama your group probably comes with.
My two dear friends and I have our own GNO---but it's actually Girls Morning Out every Sat. morning at 6:40 a.m. in the temple.
Angie says
Thank you for all the comments... I really appreciate them!
Fantabulous Tiffany says
Angie,
Thank you for sharing. I think at times people become too comfortable and forget that we are sisters in zion. We are all together in this life. The more support we have the better life becomes. Good for you for starting a GNO. It's fabulous! I don't know many in my ward but the ones I do, I love them!